Monday, November 22, 2010

(Gratitudes, continued) The Dog Days are Over....

Life is hard. Cliche'. But oh so true. There are the days, the moments, the experiences that are just... unbareable. The ones that make the rest of life a blur... the ones that makes us hold our breath, closer our eyes, and pretend none of this is really happenening.

Two years ago my life underwent a prety major change. A change I first shrugged my shoulders about - waited patiently for it to pass - and then realized it wasn't going to. I was railroaded with tremendous emotion, uncertainty, and pain. And the worst part? I knew it wasn't going away anytime soon. The worst worst part? I would always, even in my happiest moments over the coming years, be reminded of this.

Find a happy place. Find a happy place.

I closed my eyes.

Find a happy place. Find a happy place.

The last two years have been full of joy, the birth of my precious son. The birth of my even sweeter daughter. Watching my older girls become the "big sisters". Realizing that - truly and fully - I was put on this earth to be their mother. It only took 31 years to finally become ... Mama.

But each moment has come with the reminder that my sister isn't here anymore. She doesn't want to share in my joy and my life. And that has been... devastating. You can't imagine it really, "losing" a sibling the way I have... alive and well she continues on... with no second thought of me. I guess it's called being "disowned". Family love... not unconditional. I don't talk about it much. But it's the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

Squeeze eyes shut tighter. Pray it will all just go away, even though I came to realize it would not.

Find a happy place. Find a happy place.


I have opened my eyes on occasion since this, and looked around... and I have seen Them there.

I have opened my eyes just every now and then since then and tried to see who was looking... and They were there.

They were there, laughing... carrying on... loving my precious babies... taking me on vacation... digging their toes in the sand with me... teasing my daughter's hair on Halloween to Zombie state... consulting my 14 year old on what eyeshadow would look best... playing chefs at the babies birthday... taking me out to breakfast... celebrating my birthday... lounging around a fire with Josh...watching my toddlers while I tote my camera all over town... encouraging, sharing, being... loving us just because we are... us.

They have been there. The whole time. Just waiting on me to open my eyes. And realize, magically... happy place found.

Time to open my eyes. And celebrate.

You can't always "fix" what life throws your way. Sometimes, I think, we aren't supposed to. It's possible God intends for us to learn a new way around - a new way to get where we are going... I think I have found mine. And I am eternally grateful girls. Eternally grateful. You are on the TOP of my list of things to be most thankful for.


  1. Love u too, u have plenty of sisters here

  2. You know we love you darlin! I understand. I am always here for you. You are always loved ;)