Therapy.

I remind myself, on the days that are worse than others, that everyday I get to kiss this....


.... and it makes everything better.

Dear Landon. Month Five.

Yesterday (shame on me) you turned five months old. Five entire months. Before I know it, you'll be dating. Let's just take our time on that one. I'll take a little Kindergarten first, okay?



I must admit I have fewer pictures than normal to add to this post. That has to do of course, because I have shamelessly posted all the ones taken of you this month already, and because, indeed, I sold my camera. Hopefully I will have a new one soon enough.

For the first time in your wee little life, people are commenting on just how big(!) you are. And by big, I mean, you know, BIG. Chunky. Butterballish. It's a sigh of relief from the days of how tiny(!) you were - as I was worried you'd be cursed to a life of being the smallest kid in your class. You've left your preemie days behind for size 12 month clothing. I am constantly cleaning out your drawers.



You've been with your new babysitter for a little over a month now, and we couldn't be happier . You or me. She is sweet and kind and funny and loves the Goo Goo Dolls. I think all four are pretty important, noteworthy qualities. Just the other day when I picked you up, she apologized that you might have become a future golf player - as she had been watching the golf channel with you for most of the day. Apologize? Why, I think I just saw Pa's eyes glaze over. At this rate, he has hopes you might even turn out to be a democrat too. He has no idea I am totally workin' against him.

You are social. Talking. Laughing. Flirtin' with the ladies. You are mastering hand eye coordination. You work for hours on grabbing hold of just one of the dangling toys above your beloved Bouncy Seat. Once you get it, of course, you look around like, um, you know, NOW WHAT?

We introduced you to a little bit of television this month. Only because it was Sesame Street and well, who can resist ELMO? Not even you. You loved him and his goldfish. Don't worry. It's cool. Especially on the baby scene. The real shameful part is that we grownups were all sitting there just as enthralled as you were.

Dear Landon. Month Four.

Today you are sixteen weeks old. And I could still just eat you with a spoon. I think this feeling wears off sometime around nine or so, when I will be helping you pack the bag you plan to run away from home with. Don't forget clean underwear. For now, though, I am relishing every second of this deliciousness that is... you.

Four months ago today wanna know where I was? Sitting in the labor / delivery suite... praying. Just for you. For me. For us. It was quiet and still. Just you and me. Waiting. I could never say enough about those moments between the time the doctors said "let's have a baby" and the time the room filled with people. They were surreal - the seconds before ... before the girls became big sisters... before I became the Mother of a Son... before your daddy became a father. Quiet moments. Tremendous moments.

You are smiling and laughing at everyone and oh-so-ticklish. You are outgrowing every article of clothing you own. You and your cousin Jackson have discovered the magic of each other. Faces and people have now become familiar characters. You know your Mama and Daddy, Mimi, Pa - Sisters - heck, even the dog. You watch and observe and are probably wondering how in the world you ended up with this lot as your Relatives... but, all the same, we like you a lot. So just bear with us. We're learning.

This month you spent some extra time with your other Grandmother. The one who will undoubtedly let you runaround barefoot with mismatched clothes and frogs in your pockets. The one who will teach you how to make mud pies and who will dip your feet into the lake with hers. The one I can't wait for you to love as much as I love. And because you've been listening to all my stories about her - you smiled and laughed and cooed and kicked until you fell sound asleep right beside her from all the excitement. Right then, I pictured you in six or so years, wet hair, swimming trunks, barefoot, sunkissed... passing out next to her on the boat. Contentment. Just remember. When your dad and I screw things up... when we make you the maddest you've ever been... when you're busy packing your runaway bag... you always have your grandmothers.

Oh. And where are you celebrating your big day? Well. I must confess. Today is your second day with The Babysitter. No. Not Mimi's or even Jennifer's or any other even distantly related relative. A wonderful, delightful, caring Babysitter. Who doesn't even have a wart on the end of her nose. Who even told me you had FUN yesterday. Where, I might add, you are surrounded by several other children who have made you the center of attention, which I AM SURE is only causing you to miss your mother EVEN MORE. Mmm-hmm. I am sure that's exactly what you are doing.

Love.
Mama.

Dear Landon. Month Three.

Dear Landon.

Today you are twelve weeks old. Three months. Eighty-four days. A whole bunch of hours. A gazillion or so minutes.

The last three months have been life changing, and I am not sure where the time has gone. Seems like yesterday that I was impatiently awaiting the doctor to release you from the NICU. Now you're smiling and laughing and oh yes, sleeping all night. The latter of three being the most impressive thus far. But, the smiling is nice too.

I wish I could say we were "working out the kinks" in your schedule. But, hello, that would be a bold face lie. We're just happy when you do the same thing for forty-eight hours, much less develop a whole entire consistent schedule. Schedule? What's that? You'll hear of no such thing. I say this is a definite peek into the future... of you knowing that you will more than likely always be able to charm anyone into whatever you want. This will work to your advantage one day. Just not now. Mostly because I've been to this rodeo before, my friend.

This past month you and your daddy finally held hands. A moment I have been waiting on for forever it feels like. I couldn't trade those initial moments of introduction for any amount of money. Yeah. I love him. So much sometimes it hurts. But, we can't have everything we want (life lesson #1)... so, I am settling for friendship... for you. The one that you saved, singlehandedly. You are changing lives, everyday. You don't know it yet, but you are. A lesson in ... just laying down everything and moving forward.

Now, speaking of Him (your father) I must mention that you didn't stick with our plan of you know, giving him hard time for at least a year - since you went right ahead smiling ear to ear whenever you see him... however, that's okay... we'll save the hard time for when you're thirteen through twenty-one. And wow, like, trading a year for like, eight? Now THAT'S what I call a deal.

It's very precious to watch anyone become a parent for the first time. That you could have a part in something so great... so amazing... one day you will understand this.

I took you to visit Aunt Becca and Uncle Brandon this month. Your very first trip to Charleston. Your very first complete bath by a dog. Beau was so excited I think he wanted to change diapers himself. Of course, with no thumbs, this remains hard for him to accomplish. He settled for eight million kisses instead. Aunt Tracey babysat and Uncle Brandon took you to the "boys" section of the store. In any case, you were delightful and dined and strolled like all the other good Charlestonians do. To say the least, you um - fit RIGHT in. Could be a Citadel in your future. Mike Company, preferably. With Aunt Becca as your librarian.

The next few months will bring even more changes, I am certain. I am just lucky and blessed to know you will be a part of every one. Waited my whole life to do this thing with you? Absolutely.

two. roads.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Two roads. Diverged. I stood there, holding my little son, and stared. For a long time. Long. At first, I could only see one road... albeit rocky and full of potholes. There were caution lights flashing all around it. STOP. WAIT. DO NOT ENTER. Despite it's ominous appearance... something about this road was... familiar to me. I looked down and Landon. He batted his eyes and told me he trusted me. I don't know where this road will take me. Could be good, could be bad.

Then, I looked around, and noticed the Other Road. Grassy. Green. Warm. Comforting. Full of all the things a journey should hold. I guess I knew it was there all along - maybe I just didn't notice it as much before. Maybe I thought that road - the one that looks traveled and peaceful - maybe I thought things like that weren't meant for me. I looked down at Landon again. Sleeping. Trusting me to decide for him.

I tried my cell phone. Call a friend. They will know which path takes me where I want to go. Friends always have good directions. No service way out here, God said. Decide this one for youself.

I looked behind me. The road was rocky. Treacherous. But. It got me here. With Landon. Somehow, I know I'm his keeper. The one who delivered him here to change peoples lives. He's doing it already. I saw the moutains we climbed. The bridges we burned. The road in complete disrepair.

So. Here I am. The path behind me... the paths in front of me.

I stuck a foot onto the grassy, green path... the one that looked peaceful and calm. The one that has a definite, solid outcome. The sunshine felt good on my face. I have never tried this path... the normal, well-worn, everyday path... not once. A little... much.

I turned around and went back to the crossroads. Can't make this decision quickly, despite how easy the choice might seem.

Road Sign appears. A road sign I trust. More than anything.

REMEMBER GOD GAVE US HE KNOWLEDGE OF RIGHT AND WRONG, GOOD AND BAD , AND THAT GUT FEELING USUALLY IS RIGHT. AND SOMETIMES DOING THE RIGHT THING IS THE HARDEST TO DO.

What is the right thing? Isn't there a map around here somewhere? I know where I want to be... where I hope to end up.

But I am not sure which way takes me there.

Love. Child.

This afternoon, I had company. The kind that comes and stays. I had a headache. I was tired. Emotionally stressed. On... overload. For a million plus one reasons.

In any case. I didn't get much done. I didn't figure out any solutions to my problems... no answers to my troubles of the soul. But . I did decide one thing. I love this little boy in a way I cannot describe. In a way that is powerful beyond explanation. Maybe it's his big blue eyes. It's definitely something.

The Boy.

Another time, another town, another everything....

Charleston is one of my favorite places. Mostly, because it's the place my sister calls home. It's a beautiful, charming, romantic city full of history and ghosts.

I haven't seen Becca since late Spring. This weekend - with the girls away with their dad - was the perfect time to introduce Landon to Aunt Becca and Uncle Brandon - and to introduce his toes to the ocean. The perfect time to get out the stroller and show him the sights. The houses. The architecture. The river. The cannons. The ships. The Cooper River Bridge... the cobblestones... the surfboards... All the things that make Charleston her home - and one of my favorite cities. And the weather couldn't have cooperated more completely... it's 75 degrees outside.

It was also the perfect weekend to spend some time reflecting on the past week... so much has happened... I needed to be out of Atlanta this weekend -somewhere I could protect my heart and nuture my soul. And I found that place... right here on Becca's comfy sofa with Betsy and Beau (my dog neice and nephew) sleeping at my feet. Ok, okay, maybe not sleeping exactly - 'waiting to lick that baby again' would probably be a more accurate description.

We ate (Fleet Landing and Bookstore Cafe) and napped and watched some really shameful television. We shopped and talked about breast sandwiches (yes, indeed) and everyone took turns holding Landon. Turns out, he really loves his Uncle Brandon, and maybe even more, Becca's BFF Tracy - the Baby Nurse. We won't even talk about it.

The weather was tremendous and the company was even better. I realized as I was driving back over the Cooper River Bridge - that I really didn't want to go back home. I was peaceful and happy and content.... for the first time in forever.

Charleston, darling.

Oh. Hi! I am here in Charleston, sunny and warm. Six hours in the car with Landon. Yes. Just as FUN as it sounds.

Being with your sister is good for the soul. Pictures, stories, etcetera - later.

xoxo

Catching UP.

Oh. Hi!

In case you might be wondering what's been going on at The Farm... in case you might be wondering... the answer is - too much. Too many diapers, too many errands, too many dance rehearsals lasting until too late at night. Too many. But. We're here. Heads above water. Trying our very best to put the brakes on and enjoy the holidays. That screeching sound you hear? Yes. That would be the brakes.

*****************************

Let's start with Jordin. Remember her MRI? We had it. In the very clean and perfectly wonderful Childrens Hospital. They had to do the @(#)@( thing twice, since JLo kept moving her head around. Yay. I managed a nice nap, however, without interruption. THAT made it all worthwhile. In any case, the MRI came back clear - prayers answered.

There hasn't been a "scientific" explanation yet for her headaches, however, Mimi packs her a protein-snack everyday (you know, cheese, etc) and this seems to help. It's been weeks since we've had a headache. (insert applause here)

Of course, I think that possibly these have something to do with it.



Ahem. Perhaps if she spent more time right side up.

******************************

Sarah Beth? Who? We lost her to text messaging a while ago. In a world where everything is abbreviated and spelled in such a way that would make Emily Post roll over four times in her grave. FOUR.

We recently got into "hair" and "makeup" and other miscellaneous girlish activities. Sheesh. I think I was happier with dirty fingernails and no shower for two days in a row. Because now, it's all "is my mascara smeared?" And dear God, do not ask her about "the boy" she likes. If you do, you might get to see her break out in a sweat, turn red, and demand to know if it was ME who TOLD YOU. The audacity.



They are two of the best sisters a boy could ask for. And, two of the best daughters a mom could ask for. Just the other day, in the middle of my tears because hello - who has the time and money to make this "motherhood" thing work - Sarah Beth looked at me and told me to "dry it up, mom - you're a single mom and this is just what you do... and you're doing a good job." I love that kid. We've even been hugging, like, everyday. Shh. She wouldn't want anyone to know.

**********************************

As for me, I am ... here. The past eleven or so months have been quite the emotional roller coaster... and the ride doesn't appear to be over yet. I am reminded by some very important people the three most important words in my heart and mind... Love. Pray. Forgive. Things we too often take for granted. I am taking small steps to repair a very broken friendship. Small steps. Sleep is a rarity I am learning an all new appreciation for and EATING? Seriously, who has time for that??



What? Landon who? Oh. The Baby. The Boy. The Grandson. Yes. Indeed. More on him tomorrow.

Dear Landon. Month One.

(originally posted November 17, 2008)

Dear Landon.

About this time one month ago, you were about to introduce yourself to everyone. Surrounded by people I love, and people that love me, we were talking and laughing and ... waiting. Waiting on You. It wasn't time yet for sure - but - you had your own agenda. Your own plans. And you had someone Higher Up in charge of things. Tired of waiting on your Mama to figure out that - hello - SHE is not in charge.

And so. We waited. All of us. Nervous. Excited. In love already. Who knew someone so small could cause such a commotion?

Finally. The Grandson. Someone to take hunting and fishing and golfing. Someone who shouldn't require a million pairs of shoes and Barbies. Should be fun. Everytime I make it to the toy section of the store with the girls, I find myself fascinated by Boy Toys. Legos. Dinosaurs. Plastic Trucks. Hmm... are you too young for the giant chemistry set? Sarah Beth is personally hoping that your birth means a future investment in an ATV... for you, of course. Naturally.

Eleven days in the NICU to learn to breathe. And eat. And then, after we'd accomplished all that, we had to combine the two... eat and breathe all at the same time. Amazing things ... miracles happen in that place - and I am grateful for every second we could spend there. We were the lucky ones, you and I. Even though I cried every night because - well, I missed you. After a week of frustrating steps forward and back - the nurses would say - don't worry. Don't worry. I am still trying to remember that. Everyday, I remind myself. Don't. Worry.

I managed to get us both ready for church on Sunday - and actually there on time. This whole baby thing? Yeah. I am sorta out of practice. Sometimes I am late feeding you. Sometimes you have a wet diaper. But so far, you're handling my lack of recent experience like a champ. You and I? We're making Flying By The Seat of Our Pants a whole new fashion.

You started out tiny. Tiny toes, tiny hands. But, you are growing. Still not quite filling out your "newborn" size... but everyday, we see something new about you we didn't notice before. My fingers. And Jordin confesses, you have her nose. Which makes it my nose, right?

If I could sum up your first four weeks of life... it would be with one word... Love. You have been smothered with kisses, hugs and head rubs. Jordin's favorite spot to nap is where ever you are. Sarah Beth wakes up early just to hold you. And me? Well. Don't tell anyone. But you are so toootallly sleeping in the same bed with me. That's a secret.

Letter to My Son.

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you...

... I know we belong.

(The Luckiest, Ben Folds)