Tuesday, March 31, 2009

my next thirty years

i am just as much afraid of the past as i am the future. things that are unknown scare me almost as much as things i know like the back of my hand. so hard to believe anything in a world full of lies, half truths and ...

once you realize you can't have everything the way you want it, life gets a little calmer. the sun shines a tiny bit brighter, and ... i take a tiny step away from the familiarity of the past. you know, towards that road i talked about that has all the sunshine and smooth sailing. that's the road that shows up around here with breakfast every morning. the road that rescued me from myself the other day and put a diet coke and gum in the cup holder.... just because it made me feel better. the road that thinks i am precious and beautiful and never minds meeting me for a walk.

i realize i want to be that couple i saw at the dmv the other day... the ones who i know had been together for fifty or so years... through everything life could possibly bring their way .., enjoying grandchildren and great grand children and holding hands the entire time. even in the dmv. the lady whose husband comes back for her and says "come on darlin'," when it's time to shuffle across the room. they do it together. how i long for that.

i want to make breakfast and cook dinners and sleep in the bed next to someone. i want to know that I am The. One.

i know somehow this will never be me. i don't know if i am built for that kind of longevity.

who to believe, who not to believe... if only i could find a way to clear this cloud of dust that surrounds me... so many people with so many self interests in mind...just want to find the future of my life... i am tired of it always being dark in front of me... could someone switch on the light, please?


  1. Dam girl, just dam.
    Don't you remember the book, "All I needed to know in life I learned in kindergarden."

    One of the first questions they ask your child during the interview before school ever takes in -
    "Can you tell me your full name?
    Yes, all of it your mom calls you when you know you are in serious trouble."
    Same goes for the address and phone number-
    AND THEN- The biggie. This is the breaker- your child is either mature or not yet- to answer this question:
    "When you're in a dark room, what should you do?"
    Cut the light on, Rachael.
    You'll never start that journey until YOU BEGIN IT. And take your heart with you when you go.
    All of you has to go. Not some parts and some evenings and every other day-
    All of you.

  2. The part I find hard to believe is . Why would you ever in this life beleive you can not have a world full of happiness for the rest of your life? Why ? You are smart, beautiful and a good Mother ! You are those things ! Tell your self this everyday . If you really want a compainion -someone with whom you live the rest of your life with . Grab that -run with it .Don't look back ! Faith -that is all any of us have .No one is promised anything .Hope -we all are just hoping it turns out alright .Love -ahh love , I am not an expert on the subject .I just know that it isn't easy . It is hard and that is Ok !I don't know if I can do the 50 year marrige thing myself . But I wanna try .That is all any of us can do !
    You are a good person . You deserve happiness . Take it - just try !
    Love you