my next thirty years

i am just as much afraid of the past as i am the future. things that are unknown scare me almost as much as things i know like the back of my hand. so hard to believe anything in a world full of lies, half truths and ...

once you realize you can't have everything the way you want it, life gets a little calmer. the sun shines a tiny bit brighter, and ... i take a tiny step away from the familiarity of the past. you know, towards that road i talked about that has all the sunshine and smooth sailing. that's the road that shows up around here with breakfast every morning. the road that rescued me from myself the other day and put a diet coke and gum in the cup holder.... just because it made me feel better. the road that thinks i am precious and beautiful and never minds meeting me for a walk.

i realize i want to be that couple i saw at the dmv the other day... the ones who i know had been together for fifty or so years... through everything life could possibly bring their way .., enjoying grandchildren and great grand children and holding hands the entire time. even in the dmv. the lady whose husband comes back for her and says "come on darlin'," when it's time to shuffle across the room. they do it together. how i long for that.

i want to make breakfast and cook dinners and sleep in the bed next to someone. i want to know that I am The. One.

i know somehow this will never be me. i don't know if i am built for that kind of longevity.

who to believe, who not to believe... if only i could find a way to clear this cloud of dust that surrounds me... so many people with so many self interests in mind...just want to find the future of my life... i am tired of it always being dark in front of me... could someone switch on the light, please?

Spring.

Here they are. My two favorite girls in the world. Regular posting to resume soon. Stay tuned.

dear world.

i miss my camera. lots and lots.

my son is precious. adorable.

my daughters are smart. brilliant. amazing.

my sister finally talked to me today. and we texted. because we can.

and. i. miss. my. camera.

Dear Landon. Month Five.

Yesterday (shame on me) you turned five months old. Five entire months. Before I know it, you'll be dating. Let's just take our time on that one. I'll take a little Kindergarten first, okay?



I must admit I have fewer pictures than normal to add to this post. That has to do of course, because I have shamelessly posted all the ones taken of you this month already, and because, indeed, I sold my camera. Hopefully I will have a new one soon enough.

For the first time in your wee little life, people are commenting on just how big(!) you are. And by big, I mean, you know, BIG. Chunky. Butterballish. It's a sigh of relief from the days of how tiny(!) you were - as I was worried you'd be cursed to a life of being the smallest kid in your class. You've left your preemie days behind for size 12 month clothing. I am constantly cleaning out your drawers.



You've been with your new babysitter for a little over a month now, and we couldn't be happier . You or me. She is sweet and kind and funny and loves the Goo Goo Dolls. I think all four are pretty important, noteworthy qualities. Just the other day when I picked you up, she apologized that you might have become a future golf player - as she had been watching the golf channel with you for most of the day. Apologize? Why, I think I just saw Pa's eyes glaze over. At this rate, he has hopes you might even turn out to be a democrat too. He has no idea I am totally workin' against him.

You are social. Talking. Laughing. Flirtin' with the ladies. You are mastering hand eye coordination. You work for hours on grabbing hold of just one of the dangling toys above your beloved Bouncy Seat. Once you get it, of course, you look around like, um, you know, NOW WHAT?

We introduced you to a little bit of television this month. Only because it was Sesame Street and well, who can resist ELMO? Not even you. You loved him and his goldfish. Don't worry. It's cool. Especially on the baby scene. The real shameful part is that we grownups were all sitting there just as enthralled as you were.

A little birdie told me.

Dear Jackson.

I know a secret. A big one. One that has plans albeit ever so quietly, to rock your world.

You are getting a baby sister. I know... I've already seen her.

So, if for some reason this wasn't in your master plan, I got news for ya. Journey's coming. Sooner than you think.

Better get ready little buddy. Hide all your good stuff before she gets here.

xo.
Aunt Rachael.

Thinking Spot.

When the weather warms, we all retreat to one place, every year, no matter what.
Mimi's back porch. It's where the wild things are. It's where we solve the world's problems. Well, most of them anyway. We have yet to solve the issue of my parents being democrats out there. Some things a porch just can't fix.

In any case, democrat or republican, the porch is a special place. Even though we know who is right. Me. Just for notation purposes.

What was I saying again? Oh. Yes. The Back Porch.

Having been born in the month of October, and doing that whole reeaaaalllly tiny thing - Landon has not had much Back Porch Time as of yet. I guess when you are almost five months old, there are fewer problems to solve.

The weather was warm and springish. And Landon debuted on the porch swing.

With his Mimi. And he realized we've been hiding a whole world from him. One that includes birds and trees and two pesky horses. And I am sure he was thinking of disowning us right then, for keeping all this cool stuff from him. WHAT WERE WE THINKING with our desire to keep him warm and toasty?

So, as she is alwaaaays thinking of blog topics for me, Mimi "suggested" that I RUN and get her camera so we could document such an important day. Hey I said SUGGESTED. Of course, by the time you reach thirty, you've realized what "suggested" means in Mother Language. In other words, DO IT. NOW.

After a few minutes of all that new stuff, and you know, birds and nature and all, Landon was just plain tuckered out. That or all the political talk bored him right to sleep.

one million tidbits all rolled into one

Ever make a list of things to post and realize each one is probably the most mindless post idea ever? well. enjoy the following.

* * * * * * *

Sarah Beth went to her very first NASCAR event this weekend. She came home tired, sunburned, and wearing a Dale Jr. shirt. Need I say more?

Landon is wearing his Citadel onesie today (thank you Uncle Brandon). The one that when we opened it at Christmas, I was sure he would never ever wear because he would never ever be that big. Turns out, if you feed em', they grow. Amazing.

My hours at work were cut to only four days a week. It's a love / hate relationship, that place.

I am working at a Children's Consignment Sale this week. Pray that I don't kill anyone. Especially since it's at a church. Landon needs a high chair. And Mama needs a new pair of shoes.

My little cousin, Summer, calls her Daddy "Mama." There is nothing funnier on the face of the planet.

Jenn, Jackson's Mama, is having a baby girl in a couple of months. I think that makes just enough cousins to open up a daycare. Good Lord. She even had to go out and get a red minivan. Which made me realize that minivans aren't so bad afterall. No. I really didn't just say that.

I made some yummy UNfried Chicken with a recipe from my new cookbook, Family Dinners. I offered to get Jenn a copy, but then realized that since she is a self proclaimed "I don't USE measuring cups" kinda girl, realized what a ridiculous offer I had made. WHAT? A COOKBOOK? Magic like the kind in Jenn's kitchen apparently just... HAPPENS.

Yesterday in an argument with Sarah Beth, she told me I have anger issues. Which is ironic, because, I was really perfectly calm. So I said, "I am not even raising my voice at you." To which she replied, "I didn't say RIGHT NOW, I just said YOU HAVE THEM." Then I told her that she smelled. "BUT I JUST TOOK A SHOWER!" she said. "WELL. I DIDN'T SAY RIGHT NOW. BUT SOMETIMES YOU DO." I think that kind of logic works.

embracing my new idenity.

The. Big. Surprise.

In case you might have been wondering about my surprise mentioned earlier? Yep. It was Jesse McCartney. In the flesh. In his cute, leather jacket wearing flesh. And as you can see, we surprised them good... Em and Jordin almost wet their pants. Thankfully, they did NOT wet their pants, however, a level of excitement worth mentioning.

can you keep a secret?

shhhh.

before we welcomed the boy into the family... we were a gaggle of girls around here.

we were all pink nail polish and skirts and smelly good soap in the shower. well. some of us were, anyway.

now we've added a bit of tonka to the mix. and a dash of overalls. not to mention the dinosaurs.

some of them have forgotten what it was like to be a gaggle. of girliness.

tomorrow night? i will be reminding one of them. in an extra special way.

and, much like my fort building skills, i am also an exxxxxcelllent surpriser.

baby's got his blue jeans on

Saturday night. Homemade Brownies. Cousins.

Attention. Alert. Panic. SOS. The entire northwest section of the state of Georgia is in a state of panic, as a light snowfall has begun to accumulate. Sleet. Rain. Snow. Buy milk and bread immediately and as the good Larry Munson would say, HUNKER DOWN.