A New Year.

Here's to 2009...

... to starting anew... to forgetting the past, no matter how painful... mistakes are mistakes, no matter how big or small... can't fix them or change them or relive them.

...to new relationships ... new friendships... new beginnings. To finding the inner peace to be happy with who you are ... where you are... and who makes you happiest. Ring in the New Year with those you love the most.

... to starting over... on a new path... a new road... no matter how unfamiliar or uncomfortable the journey ahead might be... grab a map... stop and smell the roses. You never know who or what you might find along the way.

... to fat, healthy babies full of smiles and wonder... growth and change and accomplishments, no matter how small. A year full of learning and changing and new experiences. Love your children with all your heart. They are growing faster than you can imagine - and next year, you will wonder what happened to the last two years.

Believe in magic.

Be ever so grateful to those who have loved you, stood beside you, held your hand and held you up. Hug them everyday. Rid yourself of people who haven't ... surround yourself with love, kindness and honesty... it's those things that make a friendship strong. And it's strong friendships that carry us through the worst of storms.

Don't worry about money or bills or payments. Do your best. Hold your head up.

Empty promises are as empty as the friends that provided them. Remember that you can't control everything, nor do you need to. The best surprises come from the things you probably aren't in control of.

Everyone doesn't have to be perfect. Imperfections are perfection, sometimes.

This year I learned three important lessons from a couple of special people. The first? Love. Pray.... and most importantly, Forgive. Forgiveness will take you far in life -walk forward with no grudges or regrets. Enjoy every second. Moments are fleeting.

Second? Keep moving forward - with no regrets.

May 2009 bring you every happiness.

Another time, another town, another everything....

Charleston is one of my favorite places. Mostly, because it's the place my sister calls home. It's a beautiful, charming, romantic city full of history and ghosts.

I haven't seen Becca since late Spring. This weekend - with the girls away with their dad - was the perfect time to introduce Landon to Aunt Becca and Uncle Brandon - and to introduce his toes to the ocean. The perfect time to get out the stroller and show him the sights. The houses. The architecture. The river. The cannons. The ships. The Cooper River Bridge... the cobblestones... the surfboards... All the things that make Charleston her home - and one of my favorite cities. And the weather couldn't have cooperated more completely... it's 75 degrees outside.

It was also the perfect weekend to spend some time reflecting on the past week... so much has happened... I needed to be out of Atlanta this weekend -somewhere I could protect my heart and nuture my soul. And I found that place... right here on Becca's comfy sofa with Betsy and Beau (my dog neice and nephew) sleeping at my feet. Ok, okay, maybe not sleeping exactly - 'waiting to lick that baby again' would probably be a more accurate description.

We ate (Fleet Landing and Bookstore Cafe) and napped and watched some really shameful television. We shopped and talked about breast sandwiches (yes, indeed) and everyone took turns holding Landon. Turns out, he really loves his Uncle Brandon, and maybe even more, Becca's BFF Tracy - the Baby Nurse. We won't even talk about it.

The weather was tremendous and the company was even better. I realized as I was driving back over the Cooper River Bridge - that I really didn't want to go back home. I was peaceful and happy and content.... for the first time in forever.

Questioning my authority already

Today Landon and I strolled down King Street and browsed through all the shops of things we cannot afford, but desperatley would love to have. King Street is a fabulous place - the only place in the world where you can combine cobblestones and The Gap. Perfection.

Then Becca and I had a cupcake at Cupcakes - a sweet little place two doors down from the Jewish deli. More perfection.

Then Landon decided he was - well, DONE. Time to go home.

Tonight I am going to dinner with Becca and Brandon and some friends. Becca's BFF, Tracey, is babysitting Landon ... voluntarily. She's a nurse in the NICU here in Charleston.... so, holding a healthy, fat baby is like, you know, her idea of the perfect way to spend a Saturday night. And Landon? YEAH. Suddenly, the crying has ceased. He is gazing at Tracey and making sweet baby noises. Because FINALLY - he's in the hands of a professional.

Theme.

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong

And you really do have worth,and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.

(from a friend of a friend ... I searched for the right words to sum up the past few days and couldn't find them until I found this... )

Charleston, darling.

Oh. Hi! I am here in Charleston, sunny and warm. Six hours in the car with Landon. Yes. Just as FUN as it sounds.

Being with your sister is good for the soul. Pictures, stories, etcetera - later.

xoxo

A Christmas Review Preview

Hi there.

Wondering how things went at The Farm for Christmas, aren't you? Full of surprises. Full. Good and ... not so good.

I have lots of pictures ... lots of thoughts (what?!?!) and plenty to share. However, currently, I am playing "Beat the Wake Up Clock" with my son ... which requires dry hair and makeup for me to win.

Off to Charleston for the weekend with my sweet little sister. And her dogs. And her hubby.

I will think about all of you when I dig my toes into the sand.

xoxo

Dear Landon. Month Two.

Dear Landon.
Yesterday you celebrated eight weeks of life. Eight weeks. You celebrated at your Aunt Jennifer's house, where I am certain your cousin and future best friend, Jackson, tried to shove an assortment of items from the floor into your mouth. Naturally, only after he has first shoved them into his mouth. Because sharing? It's what friendship is all about.

You celebrated by spending your day with a few people who love you more than anything, because they were the ones who watched you make your grand entrance, little lungs and all. Aunts who will surely be the ones you run to later in life when I refuse to give you the car keys or when I "just don't understand." And trust me, sweet boy, that day will be here sooner than we both think.



About two weeks ago, you started growing, and haven't stopped. You eat as if we haven't ever fed you, and have outgrown all of your "newborn" size clothes. You have tremendously long legs (what? imagine that) and when you are really mad, you shake one of them like you might already know how to do the Hokey Pokey. The girls and I secretly love it when you get mad enough to shake your leg. Of course, when you are two and throwing yourself into a disgruntled pile on the floor, it will be much less cute.

Speaking of growing.... You have been working on your smile. Your face twists in a million different directions until you get just the right combination of muscles working at the same time. Of course, despite the length of time between them, each one is totalllly worth it. Even if I am an hour late to work trying to coax the next one out of you. Sarah Beth is so excited she has recorded you smiling in her cellphone... she works as hard as I do to work one out of you. Almost like she has finally realized - HEY! This baby - he's INTERACTIVE! Almost like her DS. ALMOST.



Sound sleep is a rare commodity. I often look over at you (because, um, yes, you are still in my bed next to me) and wonder if you just have no idea how loud you truly are with your pacifier. Think Maggie Simpson. You know, as if being the perfect baby was a little too much. Keeping me up at night? Just your way of keeping up appearances.



Christmas is one week away. You are sure to sleep right through, or, at the very least, have no idea what's going on around you. We'll take lots of pictures and tell you about it later. I resisted buying the Triceratops from the toy store that you can ride on - the one that actually munches leaves... since I think you might be a little small for your first pet dinosaur. But next year is a whole other story....

Catching UP.

Oh. Hi!

In case you might be wondering what's been going on at The Farm... in case you might be wondering... the answer is - too much. Too many diapers, too many errands, too many dance rehearsals lasting until too late at night. Too many. But. We're here. Heads above water. Trying our very best to put the brakes on and enjoy the holidays. That screeching sound you hear? Yes. That would be the brakes.

*****************************

Let's start with Jordin. Remember her MRI? We had it. In the very clean and perfectly wonderful Childrens Hospital. They had to do the @(#)@( thing twice, since JLo kept moving her head around. Yay. I managed a nice nap, however, without interruption. THAT made it all worthwhile. In any case, the MRI came back clear - prayers answered.

There hasn't been a "scientific" explanation yet for her headaches, however, Mimi packs her a protein-snack everyday (you know, cheese, etc) and this seems to help. It's been weeks since we've had a headache. (insert applause here)

Of course, I think that possibly these have something to do with it.



Ahem. Perhaps if she spent more time right side up.

******************************

Sarah Beth? Who? We lost her to text messaging a while ago. In a world where everything is abbreviated and spelled in such a way that would make Emily Post roll over four times in her grave. FOUR.

We recently got into "hair" and "makeup" and other miscellaneous girlish activities. Sheesh. I think I was happier with dirty fingernails and no shower for two days in a row. Because now, it's all "is my mascara smeared?" And dear God, do not ask her about "the boy" she likes. If you do, you might get to see her break out in a sweat, turn red, and demand to know if it was ME who TOLD YOU. The audacity.



They are two of the best sisters a boy could ask for. And, two of the best daughters a mom could ask for. Just the other day, in the middle of my tears because hello - who has the time and money to make this "motherhood" thing work - Sarah Beth looked at me and told me to "dry it up, mom - you're a single mom and this is just what you do... and you're doing a good job." I love that kid. We've even been hugging, like, everyday. Shh. She wouldn't want anyone to know.

**********************************

As for me, I am ... here. The past eleven or so months have been quite the emotional roller coaster... and the ride doesn't appear to be over yet. I am reminded by some very important people the three most important words in my heart and mind... Love. Pray. Forgive. Things we too often take for granted. I am taking small steps to repair a very broken friendship. Small steps. Sleep is a rarity I am learning an all new appreciation for and EATING? Seriously, who has time for that??



What? Landon who? Oh. The Baby. The Boy. The Grandson. Yes. Indeed. More on him tomorrow.

Think. Merry. Thoughts.

Hi everyone.

Yes. It moved. Again.

But here's the deal. Blogger? It's free. And $8.95 a month is ... well, half a manicure. And manicures are important business in the life of a very over-emotional, stressed-for-time-and-money mommy.

So. Back to the business of The Farmhouse....

Dear Landon. Month One.

(originally posted November 17, 2008)

Dear Landon.

About this time one month ago, you were about to introduce yourself to everyone. Surrounded by people I love, and people that love me, we were talking and laughing and ... waiting. Waiting on You. It wasn't time yet for sure - but - you had your own agenda. Your own plans. And you had someone Higher Up in charge of things. Tired of waiting on your Mama to figure out that - hello - SHE is not in charge.

And so. We waited. All of us. Nervous. Excited. In love already. Who knew someone so small could cause such a commotion?

Finally. The Grandson. Someone to take hunting and fishing and golfing. Someone who shouldn't require a million pairs of shoes and Barbies. Should be fun. Everytime I make it to the toy section of the store with the girls, I find myself fascinated by Boy Toys. Legos. Dinosaurs. Plastic Trucks. Hmm... are you too young for the giant chemistry set? Sarah Beth is personally hoping that your birth means a future investment in an ATV... for you, of course. Naturally.

Eleven days in the NICU to learn to breathe. And eat. And then, after we'd accomplished all that, we had to combine the two... eat and breathe all at the same time. Amazing things ... miracles happen in that place - and I am grateful for every second we could spend there. We were the lucky ones, you and I. Even though I cried every night because - well, I missed you. After a week of frustrating steps forward and back - the nurses would say - don't worry. Don't worry. I am still trying to remember that. Everyday, I remind myself. Don't. Worry.

I managed to get us both ready for church on Sunday - and actually there on time. This whole baby thing? Yeah. I am sorta out of practice. Sometimes I am late feeding you. Sometimes you have a wet diaper. But so far, you're handling my lack of recent experience like a champ. You and I? We're making Flying By The Seat of Our Pants a whole new fashion.

You started out tiny. Tiny toes, tiny hands. But, you are growing. Still not quite filling out your "newborn" size... but everyday, we see something new about you we didn't notice before. My fingers. And Jordin confesses, you have her nose. Which makes it my nose, right?

If I could sum up your first four weeks of life... it would be with one word... Love. You have been smothered with kisses, hugs and head rubs. Jordin's favorite spot to nap is where ever you are. Sarah Beth wakes up early just to hold you. And me? Well. Don't tell anyone. But you are so toootallly sleeping in the same bed with me. That's a secret.